My favourite:-

[ghazi52]

Musharaf is really tense, So Shaukat Aziz asks him what is wrong with you???
So Musharaf replies i think Saibah(Musharaf wife)has goined MMA. Shaukat Aziz asks what makes you think this. Musharaf replies 'Every time I go to the bed room Saibah says "Mushi take off your uniform"

Pakistan Air Force plane arrives at Heathrow and Pakistani President Pervez
Musharraf strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen.They
ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a
magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to 6 magnificent white horses.

They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering
Britons, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the
most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and
the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over
their noses.The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Musharraf, "Mr. President please accept my
regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen
cannot control."

President Musharraf, always trying to be "presidential", replies. "Your
Majesty do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned
it I would have thought it was one of the horses."
Cold Water[s:fdf820a1f9]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural
area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate
and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are
clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask
me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let
him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV
his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"


[s]Job Interview[/s:fdf820a1f9]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[s:fdf820a1f9]
Painter Blonde[/s:fdf820a1f9]


A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money.
So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman.

She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door.
She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?" Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, "OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage."

When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "$50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it."

About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there.
She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats.
As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porsche-it's a Ferrari."


[s:fdf820a1f9]Blonde in the Dr.'s office[/s:fdf820a1f9]

A brunette woman goes into the dr.'s office.
She tells the Dr. : "It hurts all over my body."
He says: "point to where it hurts".
She points to her shoulder and yells "OUCH!". She then points to her hip and yells "OUCH!". Finally she points to her knee and screams in pain "OUCH!!!".
The Dr. asks her "Are you a true blonde and dyed your hair brown?"
She says: "yes, how did you know"?
He answers: "YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER!!!".


[s:fdf820a1f9]Helicopter Problem[/s:fdf820a1f9]


A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."



Windows


There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

[s:fdf820a1f9]Cars[/s:fdf820a1f9]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour."
Bill Gates continued, "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replied, "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

New AOL Messages

Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!

[s:fdf820a1f9]Online Too Long[/s:fdf820a1f9]

[s:fdf820a1f9]70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long [/s:fdf820a1f9]


1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.

35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".

[s:fdf820a1f9]Blonde stewardess[/s:fdf820a1f9]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[ghazi52]

Sorry fellows : technical fault repeat the joke is

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural
area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him
consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate
and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are
clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask
me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let
him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV
his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"

[ghazi52]

11 Tips for Managers

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

[ghazi52]

:lol:
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD.... that's "Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"!

This is how it goes...
I decide to change the oil in the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car....
BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay the car keys down on the desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk....
BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out to the trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes, now where is the checkbook? Oops....there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty cup from last night on the desk. I'm going to look for those checks...
BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. Head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away....

BUT FIRST, I need to water those flowers. I head for the door and....! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. OK, I'll put the remote away and water the flowers....

BUT FIRST, I need to find those checks....
BY THE END OF THE DAY: The oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left, I've LOST my car keys.... and, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because.... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!!

I realize this condition is serious....I'd get help....
BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail!
By the way, the doctor told me that this disease is highly contagious and that it can be transmitted by e-mail. So if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read this e-mail. (I meant to put this warning at the beginning of the message but I got distracted.... Sorry....!

8)

[~*Heer*~]

itnay zaida

[naz]

story hai pori :slpeey

[sheem]

plz zara kam kam lagaya karein

aur naye reply karne ki bajaye new post kardiya karein

[T@nHa mu$@F!r]

hain..........great work...........................